[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.