Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
notice
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.