A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife