Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!