I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’