Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
#gardening
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.