Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Bit chilly again tonight.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.