I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
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I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Breaking news:
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open