If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Saw your ex at the shops
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.