[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?