ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
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Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I want to meet the individual who made this
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
i meant to share this earlier
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: