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What if the weather talks about us?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.