dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed