Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
did it work