Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
What
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you