[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
im 7 sauces long
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
at ease…shoulder.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”