Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok