Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
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My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW