I’m crying im so happy for them
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
This is me 🤣🤣
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?