Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My dress code is business-casualty.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!