My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*