[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.