You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
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Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
They did not think through this water fountain
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…