“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
i think we should see other cousins
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.