boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
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I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight