Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
You Might Also Like
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.