Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
This raises questions
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants