I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
You Might Also Like
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Autocorrect completely socks
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.