17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
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when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.