when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!