Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
This is so me 😂😂
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”