Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.