Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.