robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Zack Greinke stories are the best