Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.