Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.