Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Yes, this is exactly right
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Nose
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.