Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
You Might Also Like
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
consequences, the bane of my existence
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”