Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Worst bar ever.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time