If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
BETRAYAL
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.