hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
how high up are we talkin’?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.