Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
getting old is fun
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Pretty much. 🤣
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.