6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.