P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
is nasa ok
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”