FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Wikigenius
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna