Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Cha-ching is my safe word
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
called in thicc to work this morning
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name