When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Great acting.. 😂
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.