I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
plums roundup
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw