WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
You Might Also Like
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.