ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Encore…
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.